Ah, Jerom, if only you knew. I remember Chicago like it was yesterday.
Seeing everyone in the flesh for the first time, foreign faces, but recognizing voices, mannerisms... it was phantasmagoric. Like a vegan shark I surveyed the intellectual equivalents of chickpeas in front of me. I tested the social waters.
"One in five Australian men believe they're more capable than women, did you know that?" It was one of the many Buzzfeed article soundbites I had prepared for the trip. Like a hunting female lion (providing for the pride -- a symbol of defiance against the patriarch) my eyes found even the slightest hint of cognitive dissonance among my fellow equal, in moral standing, clearly not in intellect, non binary homo sapiens.
"Uh huh, like, sure, man" said Nazi_ryu. I could practically smell his intellectual submissiveness like avocado toast, and like an identified female emperor penguin, I thrust upon him a moral bombshell-like-egg to stuff between his rapey legs. "Do you deny women are as every bit as capable as men in earning a living, wage, and social standing, if not more capable, strong, powerful, creatures?!"
"Uhhh...want to play some Age of Empires with me, Ryan?"
But Ryan had stepped out, overwhelmed by the mental conflict I had caused to rise within him, like a strong female boss it shattered his social preconceptions. I asked Nazi_ryu if he'd prefer this to be a safe space.
"Women are forever in physical danger from men -- to them there is no such thing as a safe space. For you it shall be the same," I retorted, letting out a chortle like Amy Schemer, the funniest person alive.
By this point everyone had become frozen with overwhelming amounts of cognitive dissonance, unable to accept the undeniable moral truths of Buzzfeed. I drew my definitely-not-made-in-a-sweatshop Macintosh laptop from my hemp bag and plugged it into the ostensibly male-bought television (I had no choice). Also from my hemp bag I fished out a custom, unique, "female to female" HDMI connector, a sort of electrical dildo, so to speak, which completed the current sans any institutionalized and disgustingly perpetuated "crucial" "male" ends.
Like a female in a STEM class taking notes I plunked away on the keyboard. "www.pornhub.com/thebluepill." Terabytes worth of streaming cuckhold porn appeared at the click of a button. To his girlfriend's credit, Ryan's apartment had great internet. I watched in glee as I blue-pilled the others, no choice in the matter, defeated by my all-inclusive and superior lexicon, and, like a female chinese praying mantis elates before she consumes her male partner in an act of post-sexual cannibalism, I elated.
There's a reason Ryan removed Gendarme from staff. Blue pills don't just fall from the sky.
Hier bin i'.